Try this instead of skinny dipping (office safe reading)
May 30, 2023
Yes, the title is a clickbaity one - and I apologise. But the reason I chose it was based on a memory of a conversation many years ago with a mentor who used to say, "It's only when the tide goes out that those people swimming naked get found out"!
So what does this mean? Well for sure it isn't about swimming naked!
My instructors at Sandhurst used to talk a lot about leadership being easy until one of your soldiers got shot, and then you having to actually lead. And this is the same in most of real life. When times are easy, everyone can live life and look like they're having fun doing it. When "the tide goes out", those people without the rigour to survive, don't.
So why the references? Well this week, I faced a confronting and unexpected challenge in my personal life that left me feeling powerless, frustrated, angry and with a heap of other counterproductive emotions which, worse than skinny dipping, threatened to drown me. The familiar mental patterns of withdrawing, hunkering down to weather the storm and being selfish kicked in. "Why is this happening to me? Why now? It's not fair"! And so on.
"But", I hear you say, "None of this is what he write's these blogs about, or how he coaches people to cope with the challenges in their lives". I heard that voice too! And so I stopped the pity party - almost immediately. And forced myself to ask - how would I coach myself through this? And I employed a model which focuses on moving through crisis.
(Editors note - Given my love of diving and the tide reference of the first paragraph I couldn’t help but “sea” the irony in this SALT model).
STOP!
Stop daydreaming, stop crying, stop panicking. Just stop and be present in the moment. Research has shown that basic mindfulness allows the pre-frontal cortex (the smart bit of your brain) to start working more effectively and coincides with a drop in amygdaloidal activity (the stress centre of your brain). Concentrating on your immediate situation (not the bad news, argument or whatever) will bring you into the present.
ATTENTION OUTWARDS
Once you are aware of your surroundings, direct your attention at the wider situation. For example, you may just have just been told you are going to be made redundant. Instead of thinking, “OMG how am I going to pay my bills, feed my family, etc – panic panic panic”, try to look at the situation and analyse it.
Ask yourself these questions – or your own versions of them.
- What is actually going on here?
- How did this happen?
- Who else has been impacted by this?
- How can I help them?
- How do I want to be perceived in this moment?
- Who would deal well with this?
- What are my next three steps?
The team at Herrmann International know from having surveyed over 2 million people, that by employing the left brain in these questions, we force our emotion centres to be more controlled and rational. Which helps us think more clearly and less in panic state. David Rock talks in his book Quiet Leadership about the process of rational questioning during coaching to help reach insight. And not focusing on the problem itself.
By finding others who may be worse off than us in the situation, and then helping them, we experience the “giving emotion”, which sets off dopamine secretions in our brain which make us feel better too!
LOOK FOR SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR
This can be really hard but re-framing and offering gratitude are two really powerful tools in combatting strong emotion – especially negative ones.In my example – I had to admit that my situation could have been a worse than it was, and I was grateful I had some time to process the situation before I was flung fully into it – and for that beautiful sunset in Medellin – the fact I’m in Medellin!
Finding gratitude is a really powerful way of being mindful (more calm) and it has a series of other significant benefits described by Rob Emmons in his book Thanks!: How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier.
TAKE SELFLESS ACTION
Taking action, is the key to getting stuff done. And according to Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*k that action is driven by inspiration and then motivation – you do stuff. Interestingly he also says that this is not linear, it’s cyclical. So just doing something will inspire you to because you achieved something which made you feel good. That feel good will motivate you to do more things to make you feel good. And so it starts!
And so in times of crisis or strong emotion, we often don’t feel inspired or motivated to take action. In my moment of pity, I switched on a movie with a beer – how low action can you get?
So how do we solve this? We take selfless action. Help that person who needs help. Check in on someone who may take this news hard. Call a family member who you haven’t in a while. Send a text if that's too much. Doing something, anything you think is “low stakes”, but just doing it, will inspire you! It also pulls on that “giving emotion” again – which feels great.
And so, it’s simple, if you feel like you may be skinny dipping, get some SALT into you before the tide goes out! And before you ask (thank you), so far all is well on the personal crisis front – and for that, I’m truly grateful.
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